The Thoroughly Unqualified Modern Guide To Break-Ups

Nothing Matters And We’re All Going to Die

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Relationships are like avocados. You never know how to pick a good one, they take forever to mature, and if you don’t pay attention for one second, it all goes rotten. Also, the best ones come from South America? I lost myself in this metaphor, but the point was that it all sucks.

If you’re going through a break-up, I’m sorry to hear that, but also you knew this was going to happen, what were you thinking, like, love, is enough? Love is never enough.

Self Destruct

You should totally do this. Drink everything. Mix Baileys and red wine. Try some new drugs, why not? Nothing matters anyway. Heroin perhaps? Then you’ll only care about heroin and forget about your break up.

Embrace your inner nihilist and feed him the bullshit of instant dopamine.

“The earth’s surface at the equator moves at a speed of 460 meters per second — or roughly 1,000 miles per hour,” so might as well buckle up and enjoy the ride. Forget working on yourself and digging out why you choose the wrong people (or why you’re messed up), which requires work and reflection. Live in denial.

Overanalyze Everything

Everyone knows you can change the past if you think about it hard enough.

Definitely ask yourself where did it all go wrong once every 15 minutes. (Maybe put an alarm on to remind you). Make sure to include all your friends in your post-break-up analysis. People love hearing the same thing over and over again. Include some acquaintances too, they know you well enough to listen to your most intimate thoughts and fears. Cry to strangers at a bar, ask advice from a clerk at the pharmacy. That guy that hangs out in front of a store 12 hours a day is also a good listener. Overanalyzing things will change everything, and there is no need to look into the future, just the past. Stay in the past for years. Never move on.

Treat Them Like A Celebrity

They’re like, the only person in this world. No one else out of the 7.5 Billion souls walking around is as good as they are. Don’t forget that. Adore them openly, so they know how desperate you are. People love people who suffocate them because they have to only think about you (how to get rid of you qualifies as thinking about you). Text them. All the time. Paragraphs. Question marks. Audio messages. Call them drunk. Show up at their work. I guarantee you this will accomplish amazing things. You don’t need your own life, friends, hobbies. You don’t need to learn a new language. You don’t need to work on your career. You don’t need to work out. You don’t need to read a book. All you need to do is obsess over one person. You should treat them like a celebrity so they could treat you like a fan, it’s a well-known strategy for success.`

Stalk Them On Social Media

Refresh Insta every 30 seconds and wait for them to post something. Post pictures of yourself so happy (preferably half-naked) because that’s not obvious, and they’ll totally be jealous. Post different songs on your story “like, totally not for them, you just like the song Someone Like You by Adele.”

Stalk them. Stalk their friends. Their uncle’s third wife.

If they’re seeing someone new, stalk them too, and their friends, and their family. Screenshot everything and share it with all your friends. Add the commentary such as, “She’s not even that hot.” Think about every sentence they post on social media. Is it directed to you? What does it mean? Discuss it with everyone.

Rush Into New Relationships

You don’t need any time to heal. Just fuckin go out there and lower your standards. Date someone over 35 who lives with their parents. That person has a sense of community and family. Try with someone who has multiple kids by multiple partners they don’t take care of. That person knows the importance of independence. Make sure to date people with addictions that only got to 2 digits on the bank account. They know the importance of minimalist living. Take absolutely no time for yourself to learn what you really want. Compare all your future dates to your ex. Fantastic strategy because the comparison is the mother of healing.

Learn Nothing

Learning is for losers and nerds. You don’t need to mature and grow because nothing matters anyway, and we’re all going to die.

Just give up. Wear sweatpants everywhere you go. Gain weight. Don’t take care of yourself, emotionally nor physically. Watch depressing news, listen to sad music (exclusively), and forget about your pride. Be weak. Be every addictions bitch. Try to develop a negative outlook on life because positivity is for clowns. Make sure you find the negative in every situation. People love that kind of realistic output when they tell you nice things — shit on their lives and your own.

There you have it, follow these steps for a great life, and make sure you always bottle up your emotions until you snap and suffocate an innocent bartender with your problems. All other strategies such as real-life stalking, degrading yourself, accepting less than your worth, etc. will come naturally if you just have no self-confidence, so try to work on that (but that should follow soon if you follow the steps I listed). Good luck!

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