The Unqualified Female Guide to Dating That Probably Won’t Help You at All

A Guide Bursting With Positivity

Writing this gives me such a Carrie Bradshaw vibe. She was my least favorite Sex and The City character, but maybe if I end my sentences with a question mark, will I also be able to afford Manolo Blahniks and VIP parties in Manhattan? I’ll keep you updated.

I have recently left a long-term relationship, and after some time in the celibacy bubble, I decided to date again and realized it’s a lot of fun. I guess the bitter bitch of the summer that wanted nothing to do with anyone has gone to sleep. The relationship avoidant personality is still very much present, but let’s not get into that. Although light trauma conversations are my favorite, I decided to keep those for my close friends, random girls I meet in bathrooms (I miss bars so much), a few hotel receptionists, bartenders, and a guy that sits in front of the store next to my house all day and gives me insights on life and love. Sometimes he pukes right after, but that makes it all the more magical.

After a few months of dating unintentionally, I have some wisdom to share, but take it with a grain of salt. I know nothing, and all my relationships failed. Should I end another sentence with a question as to sound more like Carrie Bradshaw again?

Is Online Dating Right For You? No, It’s Not, Online Dating Sucks

Except for my one friend who found a great guy on Tinder (you know who you are, puta), these apps are a useless list of STDs. To me, the whole thing looks like a mating catalog, and it takes out all the anticipation of meeting someone accidentally, vibing with them, then waiting to see if they’re going to do something about it.

Then they don’t do anything about it as you do the subtle hints. They don’t get it cause they’re oblivious. Then you do the obvious hints, you finally get together (or they reject you, and you cry in the shower, but let’s go with the happy beginning), and it’s just the best.

Online dating takes all that fun stuff out of the equation, and you pick some random based on A few words they were able to put together? Which are most likely lies too.

Then what happens? You meet with an obvious intention to do whatever it is you wanna do, and there is zero mystery. I like a good set-up, a good will-they-or-won’t-they story. Actually, I shit on online dating all the time, but I know many success stories, so I don’t know what’s my problem.

I went on Tinder recently to see what’s up, and I only thought one guy seemed alright, and then I heard stories about him, and it turns out he is insane and has a personality equivalent to pre-cum, so I deleted the profile. When I date psychopaths, I want it to be because I chose them in real life, thank you very much.

Trust No One, Everyone Lies, Trust Me (But You Shouldn’t)

When I was younger, I used to put on a “perfect” character to impress some guy who has been rocking a grease stain on his sweater since 1995. Now I show them the worst right away. Is it the right approach? No, I don’t know; I’m not a fuckin relationship expert.

Anyway, while I do that because I’m so wise, most of you lie and still try to convince the other one you’re this “perfect person.” You know you’re a lazy shit, it’s fine; we all are.

My point, ladies, is to take everything with the assumption they are lying, even after a few months, even when you get married, and they say “I do,” ask yourself, “Do they really tho? Because I don’t think so.” People call these “trust issues,” I wouldn’t call them issues at all; these are trust perks; these are the things that should be taught in school.

Care, Less, Actually The Best is if You Don’t Care at All But Since You’re Probably Not a Psychopath, Just Try to Care Less

When you see yourself catching a feeling, run, man, these are your biggest enemies. Next thing you know, you’ll have to keep your opinion on Jamiroquai to yourself and pretend you do want to know about baseball or whatever boring-ass bullshit someone spews on you. That’s the easy part. You’ll actually want to know about it because you’re in love now (it happens to us all, it’s okay, you’ll break up, then you’ll be over it).

The hard part happens when your mood is affected by things this other person does. One moment you’re having a normal day, doing dishes or whatever it is you do, and they text you something rude or pull a good old “seen,” and you’re like … upset over that.

Don’t do that to yourself. I know you will, so will I, but let’s pretend for a second we won’t. I like the free real-estate in my head when I think of this feeling, the knot in the stomach, ugh, no thanks.

Enjoy Your Single Life Man, It’s Fucking Amazing

I think I’m becoming a little repetitive and, quite honestly, a bit pretentious because of how much I’ve been saying this, mostly to my friends in relationships/marriages. Sorry guys, all your relationships are great.

If you happen to accidentally fall in love with some person that elevates you and motivates you to be a better person, go for it, I’m not completely dead inside. But settling for comfort over being alone for fear of loneliness will never give you the fulfillment you desire. I think? I’m right, right? At least that’s how my mind (now) operates. I was a different person in my 20s. I thought life sucks without a partner. I wish I could go back and tell that girl to enjoy her life more instead of always being on the lookout for another guy/girl/whatever.

There are so many benefits to solo life but here are just a few:

Diagonal sleeping, um, hello? Is there anything better than having a queen size mattress to yourself like the queen that you are? Plus, no one is fucking snoring or forcing you to listen to a documentary before bed. You can now play Lana Del Rey and sleep like the beautiful princess you were always meant to be.

Speaking of Lana Del Rey, when you’re on your own, you get to play whatever music you want all the time, whenever you want (including but not limited to Mongolian throat singing, death metal, Serbian turbo-folk, reggaeton, Croatian hip hop, I could go on) without anyone eye-rolling when you hold concerts in the bathroom.

Speaking of bathrooms, enjoy all that precious time you used to spend annoyed with the fuckin toilet seat left up, beard hair, puddles of unexpected water, and someone knocking to hurry up because they have to shit. Watch yourself dance in the mirror for half an hour. You can do it now.

Speaking of dancing and mirrors, look at all this time you have now to watch those dumb Youtube makeup tutorials and get a full-on Oscar night makeup just to take a selfie. I mean, you can be vain as fuck now, girl.

If you’re one of those people that actually wants a relationship but isn’t getting one, follow me for more tips and tricks, my trust issues, and I will make sure you never want to date anyone again.

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